Zak is the ultimate weapon
by Dogs Bower
Summary: Zak finds out he is something he never knew he was at all.
1. The Beginning of the Battle For Earth

**Zak is the ultimate weapon**

Zak Saturday stood on the edge of the world looking down at his friends and family. It was too much to bear.

"My eyes are going to start bleeding Fisk! Help me up," he said to the giant bo-legged sasquatch looking monster who was his best friend and brother from another mother but they adopted him out of sympathy because some Englishmen tried to set him on fire. The furry behemoth did but accidentally ripped of Zak's left arm because he didn't know his own damn strength.

"WUGA WUGA GOOGA ZUGGA," Fisk tried to apologize in his horrible non-decipherable monkey language.

"It's okay Fisk. I forgive you. There's no time to talk now because we've got to get to the dimension of purple walking string bean monsters before Argost does."

And Zak spread his wings and flew towards the cave of sullen midgets.

"I know you have the key to ultimate power so hand it over you wretched creature!" The psycho known as Argost yelled out to the chained fox child hanging on the pole of knives before him. His cape was made of skinned puppies.

"NEVER!" Tails screamed as tears flowed from his deep blue yellow eyes. "My Korean is rusty anyway. I can't read your pen pal letter."

"I'M NOT KOREAN!" Argost threw hot dogs at the furry because he'd misplaced his worm things and other freaky shit thanks to Munya his servant and male escort screwing up and ordering the wrong curtains last Thursday. He never did get teal and aquamarine right due to being colorblind.

"I'll kill your little friends then if you don't do as I wish!" Argost demanded and waved his mittens into the air.

They were so itchy.

"I'd love a tossed salad myself," burbled Brock as he twirled on the ballroom floor in his best sequin gown. You could barely see the mustard stains. Pikachu always made fun of them though.

"I WANT THAT KOOL AID RECIPE SWINE!" Argost screeched in anger.

"Go molest yourself crackpot."

Zak showed up and waved his pummlestick into the air and it began to snow bowling balls.

"OH SHIT!" Argost screamed and jumped into his secret dimension room where the walls were made of pancakes.

"LATER SUCKERS!" he choffed.

The day was his. But Tails was saved.

He cried to the air. "I'm so glad you came! Who the fuck are you?" Tails said to the little boy.

"I'm Zak Saturday and I am not Jonny Quest! And I'm not here for you little furfag dipshit. I just came to pick up my Pokemon cards and got lost in this cave. Why they have a comic shop in here is beyond me but I like the view."

He unleashed a fart that swept over the fox child and slowly melted him into a pile of goo on the floor.

"I don't think I can wait until Friday this time," Amy Rose said, drawing heart shapes into the chests of her former lovers with a shank while hundreds of Ethiopian children watched.

"You shouldn't take them out of the packages Amy!" Sonic shouted before taking an ax to the face. The pixies were watching.

The earth imploded with the force of their whispers.

It was going to be a good day for fishing this year.


	2. Time Ravaged and Torn Asunder

Zak Saturday was now standing in the airship because their house got broken by Fisk's stupid robot Fisks from that one time before.

"Fisk I can't handle the pressure of being the Ultimate Weapon of Mass Destruction. I think my anus is bleeding."

And Fisk looked down and said "FUZZA WUZZA WUGGA ZUUGA BOOGA WACHOMP."

And nobody could fucking understand him as usual.

"It's okay Fisk. I now have this real cool cyborg machine arm!"

And Zak raised up the metallic appendage and flexed but didn't notice the Komodo dragon named Komodo there because he was invisible doing that Predator rip off thing he always does and then he crushed his head like a ripe melon.

"Oops! Sorry Komodo," Zak mumbled and wiped the lizard's brain matter of his shiny hand onto the carpet.

"NOT THE CARPET, MISTER!" screamed the hot shonen mom and swung her magical flaming milf sword at her precious crotch dropping.

If it wasn't for the tuba in the middle of the floor causing the crazy PMSing bitch to fall, Zak would have been missing a few digits.

"Jesus mom. You care to much for irrelevancy!"

The pit of narms was writhing before the small boy with the weight of the third world on his shoulders.

"We've got to go save those starving Ethiopian children from Argost!"

And then he violently exploded.

Back in the wanderers portal of time and space, Sonic and the real Jonny Quest were hurriedly sawing the ropes of justice and shoveling creamed spinach while trying to keep off the road paved with bad intentions.

"How'd we get ourselves into this fine mess I wonder!" Jonny said aloud.

"I would blame that brown kid you hang around with all the time for being a suspected terrorist but he's not here right now," Sonic grumbled through his teeth as he dug up the last remnants of his original father's bones. You know the one I'm talking about.

"Oh, he got deported, " Jonny said looking a little depressed.

Sonic wasn't having it.

"That guy's gonna pay for letting Tails get killed again. I have to walk all the way fuck back to Midgar to buy some Phoenix Downs now and I don't have the cash to waste!" he shouted with anger.

"Maybe you can just find some in Mount Coral?" Jonny sympathized.

"THAT'S WAY TOO FUCKING FAR TO WALK!" Sonic screamed into the blushing boys tottering face.

The fell of his spittle was like a refreshing breeze.

"GREETINGS AND BIENVENIDOS, DIPSHITS!" Argost popped out from behind them in his blanket of security and slit their throats with his dagger of suffering.

"Oh shit! I forgot to wipe!" Sonic bitched as he died for the seventh time that day.

The stocks were blown. The game was over.

"I'm really sick and tired of having to clean up all your messes you batshit old fart!" Zak Saturday shouted with hasty as he swung down from the rafters on his pimpstick.

"Fuck you, I'm only 23! I've simply been smoking since I was eight years old. I also did a lot of crack. That shit fucks you up!" Argost said unpleasantly as he pondered the wonders of hydrothermal metamorphism.

"MOTHER MARY ON A TOSTADA!" Zak screamed and vowed never to do the crack for fear of becoming a fucked up old psycho cripple who got off on BDSM.

He would never stop smoking though for he was addicted to the precious velvety taste of nicotine.

"Don't go Zak! I fear there won't be seconds on the bacon crepes if you do!" Amy shouted into the air and began to sob. "I should have gotten more pomegranates!"

She the received a proper bitch slapping from Knuckles who didn't really want to be there anyway. It was too nice a summer day.

"You stole my Pokemon cards Argost, you fuckface. Give them back before I cut all your arms and legs off one by one and feed them to my bo legged yeti."

Fisk stopped stuffing his face with chicken livers only long enough to go "WUMPA CHUMPA ZOOOMBA!" and then went right back.

"Only if you give me back my mittens! My hands are cold you little prick!" Argost bitched revealing his mittenless little furfag paws.

"It's a fine day for science!" cried Beakman right before Bill Nye tore his jaw off by the hinges.

The battle raged on through the night.

Someone was going to come out a religious convert but nobody could tell just who yet.


	3. The Most Unholy of Revelations

Zak was thrust out of the large deformed creature's stinking mouth.

He waved a hand.

"GOD what did you eat for breakfast?" he raged and tried not to vomit his guts onto the clean polished wood floor.

"I EAT POTATOES," said Eduardo as he came stumbling forward.

This is not going to be a Foster's cross over.

Sonic burst through the wall with bad news.

"Hay guiz i'm a magic level fore night wif holy pawarz!"

Tails would not be fooled.

"That's not Sonic! That's just some furfag in a bad costume!"

Indeed it was. It was actually Chris-Chan. The badly stitched together Sonichu outfit covered in feces and other unspeakable bodily fluids probably should have been the tip off.

"This isn't going to be a Sonichu story either you guys," Zak said angrily and sliced his Buster Sword into the mentally unstable man baby's thick skull severing the head from the body. It rolled along the carpet and into the kitchen.

"ZAK YOU PIECE OF SHIT, I TOLD YOU NOT TO PLAY IN THE HOUSE! I JUST CLEANED THIS SHIT!" Shego's lustful voice called from the kitchen.

She was mounting the turkey again.

"WAIT I'M THE MOTHER!" Drew tried to scream but Drakken dragged her away to Pyramid Head's naked rape chamber.

We'll save that for another story.

"I will never forgive Argost for stealing my Diamond and Pearl dual packs. I traded my prepubescent virginity for those!" Zak cried out.

The giant bo-legged monkey thing he called a brother nodded to him. Then went back to feasting on the innards of their deceased pet lizard.

"I will help you recover your material possessions dear Zakary, as long as you keep your word to help me find my long lost brother lover Sonic. I miss him so much!" the small fox child sobbed.

"SJGFIASHLDFAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!"

Rosechu tore through the walls with the fury of a thousand sweaty pimply faced x-box live gamefags who's grandmas had just caught them secretly masturbating to Halo.

"WHAT IS THAT THING!" Zak screamed and wet himself so heavily you'd think the second revelation's biblical floor had begun.

"It's the Rosechu! It's a beast from the seventh level of hell and it devourers manly parts! RUN ZAK, RUN!"

The two ran through the hall and out the door leaving the creature to ransack the house.

They ended up at a bus stop and sat down and played some DS while laughing at a nearby PSP gamerfag.

"How do you enjoy that brick piece of shit?" they chuckled.

"I like it!" The gamerfag threw off his disguise and revealed he was DaxFlame.

"That ugly guy with the messed up face sent me to kill the shit out of you all!"

Tails and Zak both looked at each other.

"Which guy? And who are you little girl? Are you lost? Do you need help?" Zak asked.

"I'M NOT A GIRL YOU WEIRD!" DaxFlame screeched before pissing himself. "I'm just livin' life, maaaaan."

"I know who sent him!"

The voice cut through the cold wet night air in rivets. It was...

**ROSECHU?**


	4. Doom and Gloom for All Eternity

Zak Scaturday stood on the rooftop of Dennys and prepared to do battle with his most fearsome foe ever, the mighty Mr. James P. Mc Titties Argost. Or something. His ugly monkey monster brother and possibly furfag lover was next to him, eating a banana as all heathen monkeys tend to do though God created bananas specifically to fit comfortably inside the hands of humans, not retarded stinking apes.

"OOKA OOKA WOOKA!" grunted the deformed Darwinist straw man.

"Shut up you moron," said Zak as he balanced precariously on the railing and tempted fate just because he was feeling rather suicidal.

"Don't give up Zakary Taylor Thomas!" cheered young mutant fox boy, Tails the fox as he had not yet been removed from the poorly thought out plot. As if any at all exists! There is no logic here and never will be unless we get money for that surgery.

"MARY SUE!" screamed a breathtakingly exotic raven haired azure eyed sparkling vampire young girl who looked to be about the age of 13 or so or whatever Zak's age was before this train wreck of a series finally came to a crashing halt of poor writing and failed advertising. She landed in front of Zak and twirled around and placed her magical fairly wand onto Zak's empty head and shouted "ZAKKU MAGIKURRU SPARKURU KURIPTIDU HENSHIN DESU!"

And then she turned Zak into a silver sparkle wolf with rainbow colored wings and an Evanescence jacket and he flew around and didn't fall off the building. But he thought it was cool so he didn't care. And then she turned into a super desu kawaii wolf-cat-dragon-angel and flew around in the air too. And then the two of them began farting large fireballs out at Argost and his evil army of non-existent cryptids. Fuck you retarded cryptozoologists. You have a better chance of finding a president with half a brain than getting paid for your promotion of magical fucktard hoax creatures that don't exist.

Then somehow that guy with the long hair was there and he was fighting that other guy who was kind of cool when he was bad but they traversed into a nightmare of quality breakdown and everything started to suck as heavily as Chris-Chan on a nice fat Asperchu pickle. So the guy who was Russian or something and not cool anymore placed a gun to his head and blew his own brains out instead of getting killed by a stupid fucking ugly Snapesnogger creation. And the long haired guy just shrugged. And then he made out with his ex-girlfriend whose name I can't remember because she was only in three episodes or so. Then she shot him and a hymn of angels shitting their own crisp white robes played across the sky.

"Are we going to die here Sonic?" asked Tails in a throaty murmur as he stroked his friend's throbbing plastic manhood.

"I don't know," responded Sonic as he rubbed his hand ever more briskly across his young ward's fuzzy buttocks.

"It's time to die, everyone," said Zak who was no longer a wolf because that was so five minutes ago. He was now a giant two headed bird with a dragon tail because that's way more awesome. He raised up his hands and called down Bahamut Sin from the fourth wall of the crossoververse. And the mighty dragon king of the underworld shot black swirling pure hatred from its vile mouth which melted all of Canada and killed the guy who wrote this shit in the process. And then it killed part of France too just because everyone hates it.

"Zakky-kun you've saved the day!" yelled the autistic girl as she repeatedly slammed her helmeted head onto the cold concrete. It wasn't that cold for it had been warmed up by the blood of all the previously deceased. "Let's hug and then you can place your pee pee in my veejay." she said because like all 15 year old autistic tartlets, she had no idea and will never have any idea what anything sexually based looks like or works like, though they still attempt slash yaoi shonen ai pornography just to make us all ill. Summon Chris Hanson.

But Zak though that was gross and sinful as he'd rather be banging his cousin from the mirrorverse. So he opened the portal and the other Zak came out and they made out hard while the little pants grabbing underwear sniffing Arab girl who nobody liked and knew was even there in the first place watched.

"Wait we still have to save the world from that freak Argost," said the goofy godlike glory girl. We'll call her Anna-Chan just because somebody mentioned something retarded having to do with somebody or something of that name to me recently. "GO TO HELL, FURFAGS!" she chortled maliciously as the clouds parted and droplets of sugar gems and salty pecans fell from the sky like tears from a morbidly obese man named Larry Stumps.

"I already saved the world!" said Zak as he draped his tongue over the other Zak's and they fondled each others hairless dish sized prepubescent cream colored nipples lovingly.

Because the girl, Sonic, and Tails, and who the fuck ever else was there all turned to see the horrible abominable yeti beast who was really Argost locked in a tender bout of intercourse with his man-slave mutant spider fuckbuddy. The two were twisting and groping and thrusting and grinding fearsomely as two animals tend to do in the heat of making a slutty furfag enticing sandwich.

"OOH YES PLACE YOUR SPINNERETS INTO MY HAIRY MONKEY HOLE!" screamed the overgrown ape man as the ugly purple monster Frankenstein thing who was the husbando rammed his swollen barbed tipped and pulsating pole into the shit encrusted butt of his zoo stinking freak of a waifu. But the monster guy's love juices were filled with deadly poison and it killed him and he died in the middle of his powerful and beautiful orgasm. "EMBRACE ME WITH YOU FOR ALL ETERNITY!" said the horror of nature before God struck him down himself for the diabolical sin of furfaggotry. And then he exploded into hunks of white furred flesh and rotting innards and flecks of bone and marrow and lots of shit because he was a monkey. "BURN IN HELL, FURFAGS!" screamed Zak.

Then Zak came down and kicked the spiderbitch in his deformed face, cracking open the exoskeleton and releasing the rotten egg smelling green viscous fluids within. And everyone cheered. Except the furfags who wrote the sick stories in which those freaks were fucking. Or so I was told. No actually I saw some of it so I know it's not anybody pulling my leg. You are disgusting individuals if you are not trolling. And even if you are trolling you're still horrible people for encouraging disgusting furfaggottry. Just letting you know. And this is my opinion as well, not just having been influenced by the group here who really really hates you. There seems to be a lot of them by the way. Back to the TRANSITIVE VERBS.

"SONIIIIIIIC" screamed Tails as he jumped with all his might and fervor into the blazing hellfires below.

"Why was I here? Aren't I in the Ben 10 fic or something?" muttered Sonic and ran off to be of better use in a far more interesting fiction, though this shit has nearly the same amount of reviews as that one did thus the only reason I was continuing to bother with it.

"I'm the master!" yelled out Zak, who now had beaten enough cryptid tamers to be the official cryptimon master and collect all seven badges. But then his parents came back home and yelled at his Asperger raved ass to turn off the tv and stop wasting his life with children's card games and toys and go get out of the basement and get a real job. But he couldn't because he acted like such a fuck up he had an ED page a mile long and wasn't even as popular as Chrissy-Chan, or Ambrosia, or even Sephiroth's Slave. So he became an hero and lived forever in our hearts and minds. Oh wait, no he didn't. He'll be forever forgotten with all the other piles of useless human shit out there.

**The End.**


End file.
